


As long as I can lie there too

by SoonerOrLater



Series: I Guess I'll Just Lie Here [4]
Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Coming Out, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, New Relationship, Panic Attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:08:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26219140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoonerOrLater/pseuds/SoonerOrLater
Summary: David has an anxiety attack. Patrick sits in the Storeroom with him. Things are still new, but things are different this time.Set somewhere between 'Grad Night' and 'The Pregnancy Test'
Relationships: David Rose/Patrick Brewer
Series: I Guess I'll Just Lie Here [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1886797
Comments: 14
Kudos: 171





	As long as I can lie there too

The darkness of the storeroom was reassuring. It was cool in there. He could hide for a bit. He could hear Patrick still talking to the customer outside. He had plenty of time. If he could just get it together enough to look like he was functioning, then he could get to the end of the day. Then he could make another excuse not to see Patrick tonight, make an excuse not to have dinner with his family, and go and hide back at the Motel until bedtime. He might even be able to get away with not answering Patrick’s texts if he faked a headache or something. 

‘David?’ Patrick finally came in. 

He’d planned on jumping to his feet. He’d planned on faking interest in something on the floor, the wall something. Instead, he just sat there. 

‘David? Are you ok?’ Patrick quickly went from confused to concerned. 

‘I’m…’ anything he thought of saying just left his brain and he looked up blankly. 

‘Right.’ Patrick nodded to himself and left the storeroom. 

‘Patrick no I-’ David managed before giving up. He didn’t know what he was trying to say anyway. And then Patrick was gone. Fuck. He thought. I’ve made a mess. He’s going to blame me, and think I’m stupid and...and his brain just went blank again. What was the point? He closed his eyes and leaned back against the wall. He couldn’t summon the energy to get up and fight. Instead, he sat willingly at least his heart to slow down, his chest to loosen enough so he could breathe. Any of the above. 

He heard a bit of noise from the store. The bell jangled again and he assumed someone else came in. Maybe that bought him some time. But no voices followed. Patrick’s familiar footsteps got closer again. David braced himself for a telling off. A demand to get himself back to work. A complaint about how he wasn’t doing any of this right, that he was a bad boyfriend. He inhaled sharply, trying to get some, any, air into his lungs. 

Patrick lowered himself onto the floor next to him. Just far enough away not to crowd him. Close enough that David could feel him there. 

Patrick carefully sat down, almost like approaching a frightened animal. He pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. Waiting. David opened his eyes and looked to his right. He looked broken. Not upset exactly just defeated. 

David opened his eyes to Patrick watching him, an expression of furrowed concern on his face. 

‘I’ve locked up.’ he said simply. 

‘Why?’ David frowned bracing himself again. 

‘Because my partner is in no state to be running the business right now.’ Patrick said. 

‘I’m sorry I’ll get up, I can do it I can-’

‘And helping him is more important than another two hours trading.’ Patrick finished. 

David paused, feeling like the wind had been knocked out of him. ‘Oh.’

‘How can I help?’ Patrick asked, his face open and neutral. 

David screwed up his face. ‘You can’t.’ 

‘Try me.’ Patrick said. 

‘Really, I appreciate you, I do. I appreciate this. But it’s just me, I’m broken.’ he sighed ‘I’ll be fine tomorrow.’

‘You are not broken.’ Patrick said, ‘And you haven’t been fine for a couple of days.’ he waited for David to protest. He didn’t say anything. But something flickered across his face. He hadn’t realized Patrick had noticed. ‘You’ve been quieter.’ Patrick said. ‘A bit jumpy.’ he swallowed, ‘You, ha this sounds egotistical, you haven’t kissed me as often.’ 

‘You keep track?’ David laughed hollowly. ‘I don’t blame you if you want to run away you know.’ 

‘I notice when something changes.’ Patrick said. ‘I worry...that I did something. Or that something is wrong with you.’

‘Well yeah. Clearly’ David scoffed and put his head down. Willing this to be over. And if this was going to be what broke them, it might as well be now, before he got too invested. It would be far from the first time he’d scared someone off. 

‘We’ve all got...stuff, David.’ Patrick said patiently. He knew David was complicated, maybe damaged even, but weren’t they all? It had taken him this long to take these first steps. He wasn't about to let something like this get in the way. ‘Is it an anxiety attack?’ he asked gently with a tilt of his head. 

David looked at him properly for the first time, unused still to the directness with which Patrick operated. In this instance, it was weirdly reassuring. Calling it what it was. Rather than ‘David being dramatic’ or ‘David being David’ or ‘stop being so stupid David’ He looked at Patrick and nodded, then shrugged. 

‘It’s stupid.’ he said. ‘There’s no reason for…’ he gestured vaguely into the air ‘I know nobody understands ...look I’ll be ok just….’

Patrick reached over and put a hand on his arm. Stopping him mid-flow. ‘I’ve got time.’ 

David’s face crumpled a bit and he was about to say something when his breath caught in his chest again. Quickly his brain caught up with that and began spiraling. All the thoughts at once, none of which he could succinctly pull out, but all of which spelled doom. 

‘Tell me what it feels like then’ Patrick said gently, still holding on to his arm. ‘Even if I can’t help.’

David exhaled. And thought about Patrick. About the weight of his hand on his arm. His patience and kindness. It was worth a shot. He lifted his head, but didn’t- couldn’t- look at Patrick. So he stared ahead into the semi-darkness. 

‘Like I can’t breathe?’ he tried, nobody had ever asked him to articulate it before. ‘Like there’s something sitting on my chest and it won’t move. And I’m upset, but I can’t cry- and you know how I love to cry’ he chuckled mirthlessly, and something in him hurt more as Patrick furrowed his brow at that. He tried to breathe again, ‘And it’s like I can’t think a single thought but I’m also thinking everything at once.’ He swallowed ‘That’s stupid. I mean it’s like, it’s like...it’s like when the stupid till won’t work, when it won’t let me punch in the numbers, but then all the numbers come up at once, and it crashes... that’s what it feels like. And then nothing works.’ he shook his head. ‘And like the till nobody did anything to it, just some days it...hates me. It’s like my mind hates me. And then everyone else hates me...and then we’re back to not being able to breathe again. And hiding in the closet. Which is ironically somewhere I never was.’

He looked at Patrick, his eyebrows high as if asking ‘will that do?’. Patrick felt like he was going to cry. Out of sheer helplessness. He couldn’t fix any of it he knew. He couldn’t properly understand it even. But he could see the pain on David’s face enough to know it was real to him. His attempt at humour somehow made it hurt more to hear. 

‘That must be hard.’ Patrick nodded slowly. ‘To feel so out of control. I don’t think I could cope with that.’

David blinked slowly, nobody had ever listened before. Everyone usually just dismissed him. Dramatic. Silly. Get over it. Whatever. ‘Um, I guess.’ he shrugged ‘I’m used to it. I just...ride it out until it goes away.’

‘Still.’ Patrick continued steadily ‘It must be hard. And if you can physically feel it, when you can’t breathe...it must be….frightening? I guess. Even if you know...what it is?’

‘Mmm.’ David nodded. Then dipped his head between his legs, as a wave of anxiety rolled over him again. From nowhere. Patrick was here, Patrick was nice, Patrick was safe, but still he couldn’t breathe. He could feel it getting worse and his chest heaved. 

‘Patrick’ he managed and before he really got the word out he felt Patrick’s arms around him. 

‘Ok. Ok. I got you.’ He said, resting his head on David’s back and wrapping his arms awkwardly but tightly around him. He held on, feeling David struggle to breathe. ‘I got you.’ he said, feeling his own chest tighten, feeling David’s pain. ‘Does this help?’ he whispered.

‘Yes.’ David managed, as his breathing slowed a bit. ‘Yes.’ he exhaled sharply and sat up again. Patrick shifted so he could still hold on. He had his left arm over David’s shoulders, his right snaking up to meet it on the other side across David’s chest, he rested his chin on David’s shoulder, and shifted, hooking his legs over David’s. It was the best he could do to totally envelop him while sat on the cold floor of the storeroom. He felt David grip on to his arm. Still struggling a bit. 

As much as it helped for a moment David couldn’t cope, it was too overwhelming and if he let himself lean into it, into Patrick right this second he was scared he’d lose control totally. He extracted himself, steadying himself a bit. Patrick let him, releasing his hold and moving back a fraction. David paused a second, willing his brain to kick in enough to have a coherent thought. 

Patrick’s heart broke a little watching him struggle. He’d felt his defences go up again. He couldn’t blame him. He had walked that line close to losing control as well. And if David wasn’t ready to fully let his defences down, Patrick could wait. He knew he had enough of his own still up as well. They could wait. But he needed to help David through today, through the next ten minutes even. He watched as David’s brain seemed to click into gear again. 

‘Can we um’ David said, ‘No it’s stupid.’ 

‘Yes.’ Patrick said. Somehow knowing what David was trying to say. 

‘No it’s um, stupid I.’

‘Come on’ Patrick said, and moved back, pulling David down with him. Despite his protests, this was what he needed, and Parick was going to help. 

‘How?’ Patrick asked. 

‘Just ...um’ David maneuvered himself onto his back lying flat on the floor, and Patrick did the same. Close, but not quite touching. He reached out his fingers and grazed Davids, and they clung on, just at the fingertips. Patrick cheated his head sideways and looked at David, who was laying eyes closed, face to the ceiling. He waited. 

‘Sometimes it’s this.’ David explained, ‘And sometimes it's my brain in a mess.’

‘How?’ Patrick asked gently. Keeping him talking seemed to be working. Helping even. He heard David exhale, then silence for a moment. 

‘Remember the first day we met?’

Patrick chuckled, in spite of the situation, ‘Vividly David obviously.’ he squeezed at David’s fingers to reassure him that he was teasing fondly. He was always teasing fondly, but David needed reminding of that. He remembered that day, in all its confusing glory. He’d begun with teasing the slightly odd guy who had come into Rays. And ended listening to his voicemails five times over. 

‘I told Stevie that ‘some guy’ told me my business was a failure.’

‘But I-’

‘I know you didn’t.’ David said to the ceiling. ‘But I didn’t know you didn’t.’ he sighed. ‘That’s what it’s like, in here.’ he said turning his face to Patrick, who instinctively looked over at him. 

‘So when you sent those voice mails…’

‘I was high.’ David said, then rolled his eyes ‘which sorta helps, which I shouldn’t do but…’ he shook his head. ‘I was high. But also trying to compensate for what I’d been like earlier that day- I mean you maybe haven’t seen so much since but my brain has two modes, shut down and overdrive.’ 

Patrick smiled softly at him. That was the perfect way to describe David, and it had never occurred to him until now. He nodded. David took a breath.

‘And there you were, all cool and confident, and there I was, this mess.’ he looked back up at the ceiling. 

‘I was worried you hated me’

‘Oh I did’ David said then turned his head with a smile. ‘But it turns out in that ‘hate-you-cos-I-like-you High School way, unfortunate way, that makes me not hate you at all.’

Patrick smiled at that. He knew the feeling well. Something clawed at his stomach then. Remembering. 

David caught his expression and frowned. Raising an eyebrow in question again. 

‘You know I had that feeling a few times.’ he said softly, ‘In actual school, and college. For boys, when I...when I didn’t know that’s what it was.’

‘Ah.’ David said. 

‘Ah.’ Patrick repeated. 

David looked puzzled. Then sort of shook the expression off his face. No, don’t open that box he thought. Don’t push him away. 

‘Ask me.’ Patrick said. ‘Whatever it is. I promise it won’t push me away.’ He turned his face fully towards David and squeezed his fingers. ‘Hey.’ David turned and listened ‘I promise if you ever ask me anything, I’ll always tell you the truth.’ 

He meant it. There was lots he hadn’t told David. But he wasn’t trying to hide it. He just wasn’t sure of so much himself. But if David ever needed to know, he’d tell him. 

‘I just...ugh this sounds egotistical. After we...after I...I…’

‘Miraculously David I’m following this’ Patrick interjected. 

‘Everyone but me could see- apparently-that you were, that you wanted to…’ he shrugged on the floor. ‘I don’t know what I’m asking.’

‘I do’ Patrick said. ‘And the answer is I don’t know. I mean I guess I did on some level. But not one that I understood and I was confused-’

‘You’re not the only one’

Patrick laughed. Despite the seriousness of what they were discussing, what David needed to know, there was something of his usual self coming back now. Patrick closed his eyes and exhaled. Willing himself to be honest with himself, and David. 

‘I spent a lot of time thinking.’ he began. ‘Those weeks we were setting up the Store. I didn’t know what I was thinking, doing. I could see myself almost outside of myself, pushing myself towards you...flirting even, without knowing it.’

‘That made two of us.’ David said, Patrick didn’t look at him but he could see the lopsided smile.

‘I didn’t know what I was thinking. What I was feeling.’ Patrick exhaled. ‘I’m going to say something and know it isn’t about you.’

‘You didn’t want to be.’

They both turned their heads and looked at each other, Patrick felt the coolness against his cheek and he smiled sadly. ‘No. At least I thought that for a while, when I didn’t knwo what I was feeling’ He said and reached out a hand to David’s cheek ‘The minute I worked it out, I spent weeks torturing myself because I wanted to be more than I ever wanted anything in my life. I just didn’t know how to take that leap...or if you’d even feel the same.’ he let David’s cheek go and they both looked at the ceiling again. Patrick shifted and took David’s hand fully into his and intertwined their fingers. ‘The day of the launch’ he said eventually. ‘That’s when I knew.’ 

David remembered hugging Patrick that day. The hug that had gone on a few seconds too long for partners, for friends even. He remembered letting himself sink into Patrick a little bit that day, trusting him subconsciously already. He could trust him, a least with a little bit more, even if he knew he wasn’t fully ready to give all his trust yet. 

‘About five years ago’ he started, ‘I was at a Bachelorette party with for a friend, with my then-boyfriend. It was crowded and hot, and I don’t know...there’s never any reason for it anyway. I had a panic attack. Like not like this, a fully on think you’re going to die affair.’ he breathed slowly. ‘We’re talking my Dad had to come and pick me up from the bar level...and this was my Dad five years ago, you know when my family saw each other once a week.’ Patrick squeezed his hand, there was a lot there he didn’t know too he knew. ‘I threw up. As part of it. I passed out...it was a mess. I was a mess. Anyway, that’s not the worst part. The worst part was my boyfriend filmed it. Put it online. Everyone saw it. I’m surprised you didn’t fucking see. They said I’d overdosed. I hadn’t. I’ve never done...anything like that, I mean just so you know.’ David exhaled. ‘I hadn’t been doing well all week. I could feel myself... unraveling. But I went. Because he’d be angry if I didn’t. And the club was hot and crowded, and these obnoxious guys kept bothering us ….and I felt trapped and my brain just snapped. I know if you haven’t had one it seems ridiculous, but I thought I was dying. And he didn’t help. He didn’t believe me. Instead he…’ David sighed. Swallowed hard and squeezed Patrick’s hand. 

Patrick lay there with him a moment. He didn’t know what to do or say. He was torn between being so angry at that guy, for doing that to anyone, not least the man he cared about...more than anyone already. And between scooping David up and protecting him so nothing like that could ever happen to him again. 

He went for the latter. Literally at this point. It was all he could do, without the words to tell David- not yet at least- what he was feeling. Patrick dropped David’s hand and sat up. A moment where David was seized by the panic that Patrick was outraged by his story. But after a second he felt Parick next to him, pulling him slightly up and pulling him into his lap. It was an undignified couple of seconds for both of them, but Patrick hitched himself against the wall, his legs slightly bent, and pulled David into his lap. Wrapping one arm across David’s body, gripping onto his sweater, the other up and around his shoulders. David felt Patrick’s face in his hair. 

‘I would never’ he managed to choke out, before squeezing onto David. ‘I’m sorry.’

David felt him around him, safe. Not mocking him. Not running away. He couldn't let himself fall apart in front of Patrick yet. But there was something telling him that one day he might. And that filled him with calm just like Patrick's arms around him did now. He felt his breath come easier for the first time, as Patrick ran a hand gently over his hair. He felt his shoulders move down ever so slightly for the first time, and he closed his eyes, letting himself feel safe, just for a second. 

Patrick held onto him. He knew there was a lot going on he didn’t know about yet. He sensed David was still holding back. That something in him couldn’t let himself fully fall apart in front of Patrick yet. He got that. He was holding onto things too. But this was more vulnerable than he’d let himself be in years. So he held on tighter. Just to make sure David knew he was there. 

David didn’t make an excuse not to see Patrick that night. They eventually pulled themselves off the ground. Patrick drove them to the pizza place and went in to get their order. He drove them to the outside of town to eat on the edge of a field, far away from everyone else. He drove David back to the hotel and kissed him goodnight outside. Holding on a little longer than usual when he hugged him good night. Making sure he sent him a text the minute he got home. 

And before that. He let David lie on the floor as long as he needed to. That day he knew; he’d always let David lie on the floor as long as he needed to. As long as he could lie there too.

**Author's Note:**

> What better way to get through an anxiety-filled day than to write your way out? How I imagine/read anxiety in David is how I experience it. So this might not fit for everyone, but I hope it also helps someone else. 
> 
> There's something in not being quite ready to fall apart with someone...but knowing you will eventually get there.


End file.
